Friday, June 1, 2012

An Interview with Malcolm and Catherine

I had the impromptu pleasure of witnessing an interview between Malcolm Holmes, Catherine of Cannary, and a fellow 238er, Humeira Kazmi yesterday. It’s just my luck that Malcolm and Catherine start arguing THE DAY BEFORE the release of their novel, A Cure for the Condition. Below is what I put up with on a daily basis...

Humeira: Heard so much about you—and belated happy birthday! Do you know Ami Urban?

Malcolm: Why, thank you! But of course, Miss Urban wrote my life story ;-)

Humeira: Ah! So you are a puppet in a woman’s hands... I like you already!

Malcolm: Ah, but you have that backwards, my dear. Women happen to be putty in MY hands ;-) Miss Urban thinks she wrote my story out of admiration for both Catherine Delaney and myself. What she doesn't yet know is that she's hopelessly in love with me (as most women tend to be).

Humeira: I like your confidence, Mal... Mind if I call you that?

(might I add here that Malcolm HATES being called “Mal." Of course, he adores Humeira, so...)

Malcolm: For you, my darling...anything ;-)

Catherine: Malcolm! You are impossible with those beastly manners! Do the world a favor and mature!

Amy Croall: See what you got yourself into, Humeira? I told you... Behave, you guys!!

Humeira: Awww! I think Mal is awesome! But, tell me: what’s so cool about him? Why don’t you just ditch him ;)

Catherine: Oh, if only I could! My darling daughter won't allow me to rid myself of him! If only I'd had a son! Perhaps HE wouldn't have been swayed by Malcolm's incessant hormonal magnetism!

Malcolm: Oh, flatter me ;-)

Humeira: Ah! It’s a parent trap! Oh, Mal, that is awful to take advantage like that! If you like the daughter, you must be nice to the mother.

Amy Croall: *Facepalm*

Humeira: Uhm... Don’t tell me he’ll say, “Oh, but I AM nice to her!” :D

Malcolm: Too late, my dear ;-) I am nothing but pure gentleman to Miss Catherine, I can assure you.


Humeira: I thought you’d say that! And, yeah, something twitchy in the eye, Malcolm?

Catherine: That is Malcolm! A gentleman?! A swamp rat has far more manners than you! I am certain that he is predestined to "wink" at unsuspecting women the rest of his life!

Malcolm: Why, Catherine, none of them are "unsuspecting." I'm certain Evelia would disagree.

Amy Croall: You just HAD to mention her, didn't you, Malcolm? Don't say I didn't warn you.

Humeira: Who is Evelia? Pray, enlighten us!

Amy Croall: No! Humeira! You don't know what you're asking!!!!

Malcolm: Ah, how can I describe Evelia Perez? As a summer's day? No, that is too common. Evelia is stunning, exotic, beautiful. The assistant to the Queen of Lataria. The woman turns the Spanish language into pure honey melting from her tongue. She is beauty incarnate.

Amy Croall: Crap.

Catherine: SHE'S A HARLOT, MALCOLM! She'd risk her life for one night with you! She is nothing but a black mark upon Queen Ena's reign! If I did not respect Her Majesty so much, I would stake my claim to have her REMOVED from this planet! And she's ghastly! She uses her feminine wiles to influence men! She is NOT good for you!

Malcolm: If I didn't know any better, Love, I'd say you're jealous.

Amy Croall: Mother of...

Catherine: JEALOUS! Envy does not suit a Queen such as myself, Malcolm Isaac Holmes! And if you do not begin to treat me as such, then I will have no other recourse but to toss you under Jackson's watch again! Is that something you desire? Is it?

Humeira: I’m compelled to agree with Mal, here. Cat, you CARE about him :)))

Malcolm: Oh, dear, I've struck a nerve. I may have to bow to Her Majesty gracefully. After all, she IS my reason for living...

Catherine: My goodness, my heart! Of course I care for Malcolm. But caring for Malcolm usually involves being burned by Malcolm, as you can see. He infuriates me! And, yes, I am his reason for living. And it would do you well not to forget it!

Humeira: Well, he must have a weakness that you can use to your advantage and make him behave? Sorry, Mal ;)

Catherine: Malcolm, "behave," and "weakness" do not belong in a sentence together!

Humeira: Tsk! But you’re the Queen!

Catherine: Hmph! God Himself cannot even control Malcolm!

Humeira: Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t believe in Him ;)

Catherine: I would assume so. The man has no qualms whatsoever. To love him is to give up your soul!

Malcolm: Still speaking of me ladies? I'm flattered. Really.

Humeira: Just wrapping up, Mal. You’re just in time for my last question. How would you define yourself? And how would you define each other? I have enough from Cat about you, Malcolm, so how about YOU define her?

Malcolm: I would say that I know what I want, but I'm not willing to sell myself to obtain it. If I can use other means, I certainly would. Oh, and I have NO weakness--excluding my fervent need of brandy every now and then. How would I describe Catherine? Well... She is so very easy to tease and easily upset, as you can plainly notice. However, I am pleased at how strong she is as a woman. Why, when she was still a Princess, she would hold back tears at the very sight of me! She has grown into a lovely young woman and a mature mother. Hats off to her.

Catherine: Oh, Malcolm...

Humeira: :D Okay, cheers all around! We have a happy least to my posts on the wall :P

Malcolm: Thank you, my dear.

Humeira: Thank you for your time, you two! Catherine and Malcolm... Lovely meeting you!

Please check out the publisher’s website to purchase A Cure for the Condition if you want to see where this tirade is headed.

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