Sunday, July 8, 2012

Blog Hijacked! (Posted by Martin Krane)

Why do they call it that? Hijack? It sounds so...morbid. Then again, I do enjoy a morbid joke every now and then. Wanna hear one?

Okay, so, this real skinny guy walks into a cemetery and he sees this skeleton. And the skeleton says, "Hey, dude..."

Wait... Crap. I forgot the punchline. Come on, Martin, think... Real skinny guy walks into a cemetery... Skeleton says...

Damn. Major brain drain. That sucks. Sorry. 

Speaking of morbid, ever wonder what a day in life of an alter-dimensional guide is like? I guess not, huh. I mean, you probably don't even know what an alter-dimensional guide is. 'Kay, so, you probably already know that when people die, their souls move on to the next dimension, right? Well, if you haven't achieved a life goal or overcome a great obstacle, the alter-dimensional "elders" in charge of that dimension are gracious enough to offer you a second chance. This second chance can range anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. 

Now, a guide is someone they send down to watch over you to make sure you don't spill the beans to your loved ones. You do that, and it's Limbo for Bimbo (I made that up, because you're a bimbo if you can't keep it to yourself. 'Nuff said).

Allow me to introduce myself--my name is Martin Krane, and I'll be your guide into the afterlife. That's how I usually introduce myself. Sure, sometimes there's a gap between the person's spinal cord and brain stem, seeing as how they just DIED and CAME BACK TO LIFE. It can take some...finesse to pour a bucket of scalding hot morbid on them. There was one time where... No, you probably don't want to hear that one; it's really nasty. Like, super, duper, disturbingly nasty that I don't even want to... You get the hint.

Anyway, after I introduce myself and the person I'm helping has come to terms with their own mortality, it's my job to keep the wraiths away. Wraiths are from yet another dimension. They buy and sell human souls in a kind of dimensional black market. 

IF they looked like this, they might be easier to spot.
Unfortunately, wraiths possess dead bodies (loonngg dead bodies), so you won't know them from regular humans. Of course, I can tell the difference because I'm from the afterlife. Wraiths think that just because someone is given a second chance, they can offer them lame deals to get the person's soul. But if my assignment makes a deal with a wraith, that wraith owns them (at which point I'm off the hook and have some free time between assignments, but every soul I don't bring home, I'm at fault, so...yeah). When the person dies, they get eternally consumed. Trust me, it sucks.

So, all I gotta do is keep the wraiths away by banishing them (releasing their souls--it's a neat little trick, too. I get to suck their soul out using my super alter-dimensional powers), and help my assignment achieve their goal. FYI...I've had a 98% success rate so far. I don't wanna talk about the other 2%. Just know you're in good hands with me.

In closing, my friends, if you ever find yourself on the opposite side of life with a handful of days to relive and no idea what to do with them, just look out for the tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed savior with an amazing physique. You can ask for Martin Krane, or Adonis. Doesn't matter to me. 

Ha! That's it! The skeleton says to the guy, "Brian, get back in your grave before the humans see you!" Get it? Because the guy was so skinny? Man, I crack myself up.

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